Hello.
Well I figured I'd just post about random things today. Today I'm going to my brother's house for a family get together for Christmas. I know it's a little late but that's how my family is. We do things when we can. It's not perfect but at least we try to keep together as a family. I look forward to these get togethers, even though I'm kinda just there, in the background. My family does try to include me. They know that it's hard for me to be involved in conversations, especially when there are alot of people. I just get lost. I try to keep up but it never really happens so I have to have someone explain things to me or I just sit there and take in what I can. It's hard being deaf in a hearing family and it's even harder when all I can do with them is read their lips. Add in multiple people and you see what I have to deal with. Just one more reason why I can't wait to get cochlear implants! I'm tired of being swept aside because I can't communicate the way I used to. Don't take this as a pity party for myself, honestly I've dealt with this for 10 years and still going. I'm just content. This isn't about me, it's about our kids. It's about bringing the family together so we can enjoy each others company. I just hate that my hearing is the barrier that keeps me from enjoying it to the fullest. One day soon, hopefully, this won't be a problem anymore. On that note, I do communicate with alot of people, just mostly online. On my Facebook I try to be as funny and happy as possible. Posting things I see on Facebook and sharing them to give others a laugh. I also post videos of music off and on. I get songs in my head at random and I post these for others to enjoy. Granted they are all older songs from before 2004 but it's nice to reminisce about old times and songs are the best way to do that. People always ask me, how do I live without music. Well, technically I don't. I have over 30 years of music that run through my head. I see something that reminds me of a song and there it is, playing in my head. Some times the full song, sometimes just little snippets on repeat. Sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes it annoys me. Much like anyone else. We all get songs stuck in our heads, well, so do I. I just can't hear them anymore. But seeing posts of songs, videos, etc. It brings it all back to me and I'm just jamming away in my head. When I get cochlear implants my goal is to catch up on music. Listen to all my favorite old bands again, new and old, and learn about all the new bands I missed out on in the last 10 years! Thank God for all the new technology because without cochlear implants, MP3 players, iPods, and many more, I would not be able to catch up for a long long time, if ever. As it is I can catch up 10 years of music in a few days for the most part and gradually catch up to more as time goes by. So many things to catch up to when I get my hearing back, not just music but everything, and I look forward to it all!
Friday, December 27, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Fear and determination- The road to hearing again.
I should probably post on this more often as I have alot of thoughts running through my head constantly. It's the only voice I can hear, my inner voice.
Anyways let's begin. I want to explain myself. I'm 37 years old and for the last 10 years I have lived without hearing. I am completely and profoundly deaf. But 10 years ago and for 27 years that wasn't the case. I was born deaf in my left ear but I could hear almost perfectly through my right ear. I had a hearing aid and only wore my hearing aid when I absolutely had to. It drove me crazy to wear it because in most cases I never needed it. As I was growing up my hearing fluctuated every few years and gradually got worse, fluctuating every year to every few months. When I was 27 I was going through a lot of stress in my life. Things that would bring any man to his knees. Well during this time my hearing took it's final fluctuation. I thought it was just another fluctuation and that it would come back. It didn't. Instead, it kept going and going, getting worse and worse. I wore my hearing aid. I went to the doctor multiple times within those 6 months to have the hearing aid checked and readjusted so that I could hear. Nothing stopped it. Noone could explain why my hearing was taking this nosedive! After 6 months it was gone. The hearing aid did no good for me anymore and I couldn't hear anything anymore.
Lucky for me I had so many years of reading lips and that I could still speak that I could still communicate but it has been and still is to this day very difficult. Reading lips is very difficult and I may understand people about 20% of the time. And that's if I can actually read their lips! If the person mumbles, if they are old, if they talk really fast, if they have alot of facial hair, etc, I can't understand them at all and have to resort to other means to be able to understand what they are saying i.e. texting, writing things down, typing, etc.
Over the years I had learned about cochlear implants and have looked into them profusely. I've looked at the pros and cons of having them. I've looked at what people have said about them. So many positives and negatives. Ranging from what they do and how they sound to what they cost. Most deaf people are completely against CIs, which I can understand as they have been deaf their whole lives or mostly deaf their whole lives and have cemented themselves in deaf culture and ASL. That's great for them! Much like hearing people have grown up living their lives with English and speaking and sounds. I grew up hearing. I tried many times in my life to learn and use ASL but there is one glaring flaw in that. What good does it do if I never use it?! I can't sign to people who don't know ASL! Everyone I know, family, friends, people I go to college with, etc, none of them know ASL. Only a handful of people in my life know ASL and I can count them on one hand! I have been a deaf man stuck in the hearing world. Trapped between two worlds! I don't belong in the hearing world and I don't belong with the deaf community either. After many talks with other people we finally concluded that the only option is to "restore" my hearing through cochlear implants. I'm so excited to finally be starting the process to getting them and I can't wait to be able to hear again. But I'm scared too. How will they work for me? Will it be like when I had my hearing with hearing aids? Better? Worse? If I go to cochlear implant sites or I read about others experiences with them I see amazing results! But then I hear about the bad things that have happened. What if it affects my brain or my facial nerves? What if it doesn't work the way I'm hoping it will? I'm determined to hear again and I am determined to be successful in life and this is one of those steps that will solidify my goals in life. But it scares me too. So many things could go wrong or it could be flawless and better than I've ever experienced before! Only way to find out is to go through with it and find out. I'm not very religious but I am praying that everything goes smoothly and that my experience exceeds my wildest dreams! Only going through it and time will tell.
Anyways let's begin. I want to explain myself. I'm 37 years old and for the last 10 years I have lived without hearing. I am completely and profoundly deaf. But 10 years ago and for 27 years that wasn't the case. I was born deaf in my left ear but I could hear almost perfectly through my right ear. I had a hearing aid and only wore my hearing aid when I absolutely had to. It drove me crazy to wear it because in most cases I never needed it. As I was growing up my hearing fluctuated every few years and gradually got worse, fluctuating every year to every few months. When I was 27 I was going through a lot of stress in my life. Things that would bring any man to his knees. Well during this time my hearing took it's final fluctuation. I thought it was just another fluctuation and that it would come back. It didn't. Instead, it kept going and going, getting worse and worse. I wore my hearing aid. I went to the doctor multiple times within those 6 months to have the hearing aid checked and readjusted so that I could hear. Nothing stopped it. Noone could explain why my hearing was taking this nosedive! After 6 months it was gone. The hearing aid did no good for me anymore and I couldn't hear anything anymore.
Lucky for me I had so many years of reading lips and that I could still speak that I could still communicate but it has been and still is to this day very difficult. Reading lips is very difficult and I may understand people about 20% of the time. And that's if I can actually read their lips! If the person mumbles, if they are old, if they talk really fast, if they have alot of facial hair, etc, I can't understand them at all and have to resort to other means to be able to understand what they are saying i.e. texting, writing things down, typing, etc.
Over the years I had learned about cochlear implants and have looked into them profusely. I've looked at the pros and cons of having them. I've looked at what people have said about them. So many positives and negatives. Ranging from what they do and how they sound to what they cost. Most deaf people are completely against CIs, which I can understand as they have been deaf their whole lives or mostly deaf their whole lives and have cemented themselves in deaf culture and ASL. That's great for them! Much like hearing people have grown up living their lives with English and speaking and sounds. I grew up hearing. I tried many times in my life to learn and use ASL but there is one glaring flaw in that. What good does it do if I never use it?! I can't sign to people who don't know ASL! Everyone I know, family, friends, people I go to college with, etc, none of them know ASL. Only a handful of people in my life know ASL and I can count them on one hand! I have been a deaf man stuck in the hearing world. Trapped between two worlds! I don't belong in the hearing world and I don't belong with the deaf community either. After many talks with other people we finally concluded that the only option is to "restore" my hearing through cochlear implants. I'm so excited to finally be starting the process to getting them and I can't wait to be able to hear again. But I'm scared too. How will they work for me? Will it be like when I had my hearing with hearing aids? Better? Worse? If I go to cochlear implant sites or I read about others experiences with them I see amazing results! But then I hear about the bad things that have happened. What if it affects my brain or my facial nerves? What if it doesn't work the way I'm hoping it will? I'm determined to hear again and I am determined to be successful in life and this is one of those steps that will solidify my goals in life. But it scares me too. So many things could go wrong or it could be flawless and better than I've ever experienced before! Only way to find out is to go through with it and find out. I'm not very religious but I am praying that everything goes smoothly and that my experience exceeds my wildest dreams! Only going through it and time will tell.
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